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Archive for the ‘Death and Dying’ Category

The new years’ wishes are starting to flow in. Most of them hold a tone akin to, “Fuck you, 2020. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” I get it, it’s been a harsh year, but I have a hard time giving it the finger. Here’s why:

We seem to have some sort of mistaken idea that teachers come primarily in human form, and that they are wizened and wise, soft and kind. Anyone who has any relationship to the Dark Goddesses and Gods knows that this is only a small portion of the overall picture. We know that teachers also arrive who are wretched in personality and form. They are traumatizing, brutalizing, terrifying, and they burn the place down. They are people like Number 45 down South, or any of the madmen and women who are in positions of power around the globe. They are members of the police force who blow people away for the colour of their skin. They are forest fires, cyclones, tornadoes, and a virus, invisible to the naked eye, that has forced the entire planet to its knees.

Welcome Teacher. I bow to you.

And why? Because sometimes we humans need a good, stiff kick in the ass. We are creatures of comfort. We love our snuggly zone where we can hunker down and pretty much go to sleep right down to our bones. We will hold our comfort around us like a warm blanket, even if that “blanket” is our own trauma, because it’s familiar. Because we like familiar. Because unfamiliar is too scary. But the longer we hunker down and stay blind and silent, the more out of balance things become. And the more out of balance things become, the more likely we are to encounter The Big Guns, the darker side of the Universe, the ones that smack us in the face to WAKE…US…UP.

I’ll bet you’ve been pretty awake during 2020, awake, aware and uncomfortable. I know I have. There hasn’t been much chance to fall back asleep. 2020 has been relentless. It has been raw, bleeding from the eyes raw. It has been loud and gory and obnoxious. It has had most of us sitting, jaws hanging open, starting at screens and asking, “What the fuck is going on?”

Our Shadow, people. Our Shadow is what the fuck is going on. Ugly, innit? Our rape of the land. Our overconsumption. Our disgusting selfishness, as individuals and as nations. Our disregard for the health and well-being of others. Our inability to handle ourselves, or quiet time, or stillness. Our addiction to shopping at all costs, and busyness, and distraction. Oy!

But here’s another truth – darkness does not exist on its own. Where there is Shadow, there is Light. Such is the way of the Universe.

In the midst of all of this chaos, we’ve caught glimpses (or bold images) of beauty. We’ve witnessed the bones-deep commitment of so many people on the front lines who are working to keep us safe and help us heal. We’ve seen an entire nation say “NO!” to an insane megalomaniac who sees nothing but his own desire. We’ve watched neighbours helping vulnerable neighbours who can’t get out to get food and supplies. Artists and creative events have become more accessible as they move online. Performances have been offered for free so people could feel like they were helping somehow by lifting spirits. Families have had a chance to do more together. People are cooking, painting, walking, dancing, writing. We now know the value of a hug, a smile, a touch, a maskless face, a human life. We understand the privilege of being able to roam freely throughout this world.

For myself, the preciousness of my loved ones has been even more deeply impressed upon me; I want no harm to come to them. I’ve come to know just how much I love my students, and how much I miss them when they’re not around. I can better feel how much I love my work. I have been forced out of my comfort zone and into the wild unknown of the online teaching world. But in so being forced, I have been able to connect more often with loved ones I would normally see maybe once a year. Students who have moved away can come back to the community to learn again. All of this has helped me to feel bolder, more confident. Maybe I can take some of those hidden ideas and bring them forward? And I’ve been able to be still the way I need to be still, with no pressure to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. As a child of the winter who often finds her Magic during the dark months, this has been a blessed relief.

So, how about you? What has come forward for you? What has become illuminated? What has necessarily died?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish for a constant diet of Harsh Teachings. We can’t thrive in a state of perpetual destruction. But we need to remember that some seeds are sowed only during forest fires, that beautiful things grow out of piles of rot. This is not the end of the story.

My prayer for 2021 is that we continue to wake up, to grow, to evolve, but that we have the chance to do that in a softer way. I pray for ease. I pray for a chance to breathe and to integrate. And I pray for healing. May we all heal in deep and lasting ways, as individuals and as nations.

2020, my Harsh Teacher, I bow to you for all you have revealed. 2021, the Teacher yet to come, may you have mercy on us. May it be so.

All my love and so many blessings to you all.

Tabitha

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My dear friends,

How are you keeping?  I’ve been away from this space for a long while, waiting.  Waiting for something useful to say.  Waiting for something inspirational – hopeful – motivational….To quote my practice buddy from my Yoga training, “I got nuthin’.”  And there’s the truth of it.  I feel like I’ve got nuthin’.  There’s just too much.  Too much going on.  Too much information being slammed down my throat.  Too many decisions to make.  And not enough peace to put the puzzle together.  Truthfully?  I’m at a loss.  I think I’m at a loss because I want something nice to say and, again, I got nuthin’.  So maybe, MAYBE, I need to just say what I think is not-so-nice.  And that not-so-nice piece is:

What the hell is going on?

We’re 4 1/2 months into a pandemic, a situation where an invisible force is killing millions, and we’re pushing to “move forward into the new normal”?  I just don’t get this.  I feel like I’m caught up in a mob and I’m being pushed along in a direction I’m not sure I want to go in.  So here’s the other not-so-nice thing I’d like to say:

SLOW DOWN ALREADY!!!

This that we’re going through is a massive piece.  David Whyte, the poet, considers this to be a time of pilgrimage, a time of sacred journeying where we leave all that we’ve even known to move off into complete mystery.  We are pulled towards the magic of the horizon, helpless to resist the call, even though we have no idea what or who awaits us there.  In the end, we realize that it’s never been the physical destination we needed to find.  What we needed to find lay deep within us.  We have always been the destination and the way.

If you’ve ever been on a pilgrimage, you know that the middle ground of the voyage is daunting.  You’re too far in to turn back and you’re not so sure where you’re going exists anymore.  You hurt.  You’re beyond weary.  You’re not sure you have the stuff to get you through to the end.  You’re pretty sure you’re going to die.  And, in fact, some part of you always dies along the way.  Pilgrimage rips you open.  It exhausts you so that you have no choice but to feel.  It’s only in feeling and moving forward from that place that you can ever reach god, the sacred place inside of you that has always been there.

Where are we being given the chance to feel now?  The level of global grief is unspeakable.  We grieve a sense of loss of freedom.  We grieve being unable to connect when we’re absolutely terrified.  We grieve not being able to say goodbye to our cherished loved ones.  We grieve not being able to perform the rituals our souls require when we lay our loved ones to rest.  We grieve the loss of so many businesses, the economic babies of our community members.  We grieve the loss of our jobs.  We grieve a sense of financial independence.  And on.  AND ON!

And still we need to push forward, “to open up the economy.”  Here’s the last not-so-nice thing I’d like to say:

Screw your economy.

My friends and their friends, and their cousins, husbands, wives, nieces are on their knees.  We’re all on our knees right now, in the middle of the path, partway through a pilgrimage we aren’t sure will ever end.  Hearts have been blown open and are bleeding onto the streets.  There is a sense of loss that runs so deep that there is no sound; it’s beyond sound.

Once when I was on a 2 week canoe trip, one of my fellow travellers broke her arm.  We did not rush and slam her arm into a sling and push forward.  We did not make the end point our focus.  We made her pain our focus.  We made her suffering our focus.  We made her safety and comfort our goal.  So I, for one, will take a moment here as we trudge our way through this pandemic, and take a holy pause.  You will find me sitting on my pack along the side of the trail, quiet, silent.  My eyes will be closed but I will feel you.  I will feel the impact of the weight you’re carrying.  It will register with me.  It will mix with my energy, my cells.  We will become One (as we have always been).  And while you may not hear it with your ears, your soul will pick up the sound of the mantra I silently chant for all of us:

GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA

A mantra for all who are pilgrims,  all of us, whether we recognize it or not.

“Going, going, going on beyond, always going on beyond, always becoming Buddha.”

Take your time, friend.  You will get there.  We will get there.  And in the end, we’ll know “there” has always been with us.  And we’ll do it together.

Safe travels and much love,

Tabitha

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